Bread Crumbs In The Butter

Bullety, Edition 30; Wow. I've done this 30 times?

• Thank you everyone for the awesome book suggestions in my last Bullety post. We must all think alike (natch!) because I had read a few of the mentioned favourites, but there are some that piqued my interest and some I didn't know had been released. Did you know Jennifer Weiner recently released a sequel to Good In Bed called Certain Girls?  I felt so out of the loop!  No worries though, it's half read and sitting on my nightstand right now!

• As far as role models go, I'm a big fan of Miley Cyrus' - I was even a big fan of the photos Annie Liebowitz took of her.  Having said that, if I hear her latest CD one more time, I will throw it under a bus. My girls are obsessed with it.  I know every word. I sing it at work, at the gym, in my sleep, in the shower.  My social life is starting to suffer!  No one wants to have drinks with a woman who can't stop singing "I just can't wait ... to see you again!" complete with pause for dramatic effect.  What happened to the girl who listened to hip music like ... like ... shit, I can't even remember!

• Speaking of work ... sorta.  Because I deal with the public on a (mostly) daily basis, I started wearing makeup every day.  If you know me, you know what a big deal this is.  It's not that I don't wear or enjoy makeup, I just never did it that often. I was too lazy. Even now, I'd rather sleep the extra five minutes it takes me to apply it, but I'm also sort of vain and like people to see me looking my (sort of) best. Where was I?  Yes, my point!  I'll have you all know that I actually went through an entire tube of mascara before it's three month expiry date!  I'm so proud off myself.  The tube I had before that I had bought to wear to a friend's wedding in 2002 - before Alex was born. Maybe there's a girly girl in me somewhere?

The downside of being the perfect kid

Today I had to discpline Meghan.  For the first time.

I kid you not. She is almost seven years old and besides a few small reprimands or "quit whining"s or "don't touch that"s, I've never really had to discipline her like I have our other three children.  Especially her brother. 

It was kind of weird because not only did I have to send her to her room for a bit, but I had to go in later and sit with her to have a chat.  We discussed why her behavior lately is not acceptable, what the consequences will be and how we expect her to behave in the future.

The odd thing about the entire situation was how we both didn't really know how to act during the whole process. Several times I almost called her Alex or Erin because those seem to be the two who not only challenge me the most, but who do the most huffing and puffing and outright hissy fitting. While Alex or Erin will think nothing of questioning the fairness of my judgment, Meghan would sooner shave her own head with a dull blade than challenge us in any way. During my lecture she stared at me with a mix of blank confusion and fear.  I think she really had no idea what went on in that room when the door was closed wth her on the other side.

Just a few minutes ago she came to me in the kitchen, where I was eating frosting out of the can, walked right up to me and hugged me.

Then she said "Mommy, I'm sorry that had to happen. I know why you did it and I'm sorry you had to go through that. I promise I'll do my chores and I won't go pee right when I have to do them. I won't try to pay Alex to do them, cause he won't do them right. I'll be the best one you have. You'll see!"

Then it was my turn to stare at her with blank confusion as she danced off with her hands on her hips and a little swagger in her step.

She showed me, right?

Bullety, Edition 29; Reader

• This morning Erin told me that her favourite thing to do is go to the library, or a book fair, or the bookstore. Anything that has to do with books.  My heart soared!  I've also noticed that as she eats breakfast or lunch (or a meal that doesn't require us to all eat together and pay attention) she scours the kitchen for a magazine, newspaper, book or even the cereal box for something to read while she eats. This is all proof that she is indeed my child!

• I've signed up to play ball hockey on Thursday nights this summer. Cause, you know, I have nothing else going on! (Yearh, right!).  In any case, my friend Moyra and I had been dying to find out if we made the same team.  Yesterday she called me at work (this was important!) to tell me we had in fact been put on the same team.  I yelled out "SHUT UP! That's awesome!" and jumped up and down like a little girl who had just been told Hannah Montana was on her way over to give her makeup tips.  Yes, I did this at work. My co-workers think I'm beyond crazy, but we're on the same team! First game is tomorrow!

• I'm satisfied with the outcome of Big Brother 9 this season.  I'm not a huge fan of Adam's, he's a bit of a bumbling ass, but whatever. No one really floated my boat this year.  Well, except for Ryan. I'm admitting I have a big crush. I don't know if it's his size (I like big broad guys, are you shocked?) or the tattoos or his smile (rockin'!), but he was quite delish overall.  His girlfriend is a total skeezebucket, but who am I to judge?

• Read any good books lately?  Give me some titles you've enjoyed lately.  In the last while I've polished off "The Book Thief", several really bad Jackie Collins novels, some really good Janet Evanovich novels and am now the last person to read "The Kite Runner".  "Certain Girls" by Jennifer Weiner is next on my shelf, but after that, I'm out.  Give me reads!

All Clear

It's hard to believe that only 14 months ago, I heard about Kawasaki Disease* for the first time.  It seems like it's something I've always known, I've explained it so many times.  As I tell people about the illness, how it presents itself and Alex's own story about having it, it feels like I'm right back there.  I remember how worried I was. How sick my son was.  How uncertain and helpless I felt.

It didn't take us long, once we got home, to settle back down and carefully, slowly, stop worrying about Alex and what might be lurking.  CHEO is very dilligent about KD and they have excellent follow up care.

Today, we had our very last appointment for Kawasaki Disease follow-up.  Alex had an ECG and his heart is not only totally normal, it shows no signs of ever being under the stress it was two Februarys ago.

My son is healthy, happy and awesome.

_____________

*Alex's nurse did ask me to continue checking the Kawasaki Disease Foundation website for new studies and findings. It's also important to spread the word and increase correct diagnosis' for these kids. I'm not sure where we would be without the one doctor (out of many!) who had heard of Kawasaki and sent us on to CHEO for testing and treatment!

Bullety, Edition 28: Sunday Night Is The Most Depressing Time

• Lots of excitement here in Almonte the last few days. Not least of which is the small (ha!) field fire we had Thursday night.  I'm trying to remember a time when I opened theh door and the local fire chief wasn't there for some reason (I'm referring to our CO2 scare before Christmas).  So, we've got some burnt fields and higher blood pressure. John was treated for some smoke inhalation, but is okay.  Seriously though, enough is enough.

• Erin's 10th birthday is this Wednesday and we had her birthday party today. I hired a makeup artist and photographer (same person) to come in and make the girls over like runway models and take photos. They had a blast! Photos are on Facebook if you're so inclined to take a look. If I could get this damn satellite connection to handle the upload to Flickr, I'd do that too, but I'm not in the mood for that much cursing and swearing at this time of night.

• I want to thank everyone for their wonderful comments and kudos on my last post. It's hard to put it all out there, even if you are the sort of person who shares way more than she should.  I often forget that people in my small little town read this blog and to have them come see me and give me support is sort of shocking, but extremely appreciated and comforting. I'm even getting better at actually hugging people. I have to immediately walk away and gather myself, but hey, I'm getting there, right?

• We're down to the wire on BB9 and I am going to go on record as saying that Natalie's eviction is going to go down as one of my all-time favourite moments in Big Brother history. Her extreme shock and lack of understanding floored me and when Sheila evicted her, I dropped my chips I jumped up so high.  Just. Excellent. Tv.

• Please read this.  I have a new crush, my friends, and it's the guy who wrote this.  I could have written this, just not that well.  He explains perfectly why I simultaneously loved and felt indifferent toward Juno and why I have since I it was on, worshipped Angela Chase in My So Called Life.

Worth. Unedited. Raw.

It's no secret I've been a little lost lately.  I've been overwhelmed, over-emotional and over-tired.

I've told myself that my life is no different than anyone else's.  Everyone has a busy life. We all have trials. We all have to do it all, and make it look like we're doing it well. What makes me so special that the idea of getting up and doing it everyday can sometimes feel like so much to bear I'm breathless?

I rush out the door every day, breakfast and coffee in hand, leaving behind the only life I knew for eleven years. I leave the people I've missed the most in the last six months in the very capable hands of their father. (Who is, incidentally, one other person I've found myself missing like crazy.)  The transition has been very smooth for the most part.  We've had our kinks to iron out and I've taken on too much as usual, but overall, everyone has come out to this side with very few scars.

Except for me.

And I'll be honest.

I'm worried that in the nine hours I am gone most days, my family is going to realize they can live without me.  I've been their everything for so long that I've come to depend on it.  I'm not what I thought I would be when I grew up, but to these five people I was always exactly who they needed.

I know in my head that my feelings aren't logical or even fact based.  My children still weep when I leave and rejoice when I return. I am still the fixer of their problems and the removers of their hurt. I am still their appointment scheduler and nightmare chaser.

Still, at night, as I try to fall asleep, I try to reconcile what I'm missing. I try to make peace with the guilt I feel at enjoying work.  I try to plan how I will juggle it all the next day and promise myself to yell less, listen more and be more prepared.

As for their father.  I will say that there are worse things in the world than realizing you are still madly in love with the man you married almost twelve years ago.  So much so that it can make your head spin and your heart pound and you miss him so much that you rush home for lunch just to lay your eyes on him.  It's startling that even though one year ago you could have cared less if he noticed you had washed your shirt, on this day, you need him to tell you, down to the last detail exactly why he loves you, and how much, and the feeling you get when he sits down across from you and does just that, can keep you going.  It gets you up in the morning. It makes the lunches. It pays the bills. It drinks the wine while you watch another hockey game. It gets you to sleep.

It makes it all worth it.

They make it all worth it.

Things That Suck

• iTunes isn't working properly for me.  I've tried uninstalling it and reinstalling it seven times, but no matter what I do, I can't download music. I can't even sample songs to see if I like them. Some smartass with their support centre said that our satellite connection is properly not powerful enough to support the files and tanks out.  He wanted to know why we didn't just switch to wireless or cable high speed.  Yeah, cause I'm that stupid.  I'm sure he didn't appreciate my email back that told the story of how I could see his point and yes, yes, it is a shame that I live in CANADA and still don't have access to high speed internet and yes, yes, the Party Poker commercial of the man accessing the site on his WIRELESS LAPTOP in a jungle makes me want to scratch my eyes out. I never heard back.

• I'm in a huge funk. I feel overwhelmed and insecure and completely insane. This sucks huge.

• Meghan's allergy and asthma medication is costing us about $200 a month. No benefits sucks.

• My husband is understanding and caring and well ... perfect.  If you don't understand how annoying that can be, well, I can't help you.

• Really, number one is the one that sucks the most. The rest are just filler - but still pissworthy.

Know what doesn't suck though?  Nice emails from friends and amazing posts from friends telling me they think I don't suck and that they think about me when I'm gone.

Bullety, Edition 27; Freaking Friday!

• 4 months ago, we bought three new laptops from a dude on Ebay (I know, I know). They worked fine for a bit, but then the hard drive crashed on one. Okay. Fine. We put it aside and planned to purchase a new one for it.  So, we used just two and things were fine. That is, until the remaining one we called mine met an untimely death. Meghan was going in for a pre-school bus hug and she knocked over an entire cup of coffee.  I just thank God that it was John sitting at the computer because I have a tendency to yell and swear in situations like this. He calmly cleaned it up, turned the computer upside down and soaked up as much coffee as he could.   I drove my baby to the repairman post-haste, and brought along the other dead one for a new hard drive.  The fabulous news is that this man fixed the coffee computer and put a new hard drive in the other one. All for the bargain price of ... well ... forget it. The point is, we have three working laptops again. Now, if I could just get our Windows XP laptops to see our Windows 98 desktops on our network, I would be a happy girl!

• Report Card Day happened just after March Break for us and I am blown away by my children. Not only did they all get fantastic grades, they got amazing and glowing comments from their teachers. Grades are one thing, but hearing that their teachers think my children are also wonderful people counts for so much more. I am extremely proud of them.

• Who's watching Big Brother 9?  What did ya think of Chelsia's little spell of crazy this week? I have to admit, I'm a big fan. That sort of outburst and trash talk as she's walking out the door is just what this season needed. I've been so inspired by her that today, rather than wish customers at the Post Office a nice day, I've told them to be "rode hard and left for wet".  That, my friends, is pure poetry!

• Today, Meghan announced that she new spring was coming. Know how?  She said (and I quote) "The truck smells like poo and there are dead animals on the road again! I just love Spring!".  This is why she got straight A's my friends, this is why.

Magic

There's a drawer in my room, the top drawer of John's mother's mahogany dresser if you must know, that I keep secrets in.  In that drawer, there are envelopes and knick knacks. A small collection of some of the most wonderful moments of this family's history.

Countless brightly covered envelopes are the first thing you would notice. Each one featuring a unique message from a unique child. There are teeth in these envelopes. On them they have let the Tooth Fairy know how happy they are that she has come to see them.  It hasn't escaped my notice that with each tooth their handwriting has gotten more steady, their spelling more mature.  Not only am I saving each tooth as a reminder of how far they've come, I'm saving each envelope to remind me how much they've learned.  At first the messages to the Tooth Fairy were a spontaneous thing. An idea bred from the innocent minds of my amazing children. Now though, I'm insistent that they tell the story of that tooth. Where they lost it. How they felt. It's a new tradition.

There are also cards from Mother's Days past. The outfits they were put in after their births. A small square of Erin's first blanket.  There are a few notes that I've scrawled on a note pad to put in their lunches. And the report cards. Every single glowing report from their teachers, telling me that they think my kids are just as awesome as I do.

Tonight, I added something new.  A little note I found tucked into an envelope and places on my pillow.  It was brightly painted and easy to see, but clearly marked "Secret!" on both sides.

Since all four children were fast asleep I figured it was safe to bring the envelope to John. It was addressed to both of us.  I tore it open and read it to John, quietly, in case little ears were still awake.

It was a letter from Kristyn, our one child who no longer believes in the magic of Santa or The Tooth Fair or The Easter Bunny. I've always maintained it's a bit of relief when your child has figured out this secret. It means you don't have to be as careful and that you finally get a bit of the credit that has been so selfishly hoarded by a myth - as magical as it may be.

In this letter Kristyn thanked us for the wonderful Easter baskets, which were not extravagant, but modestly filled with yummy chocolates and cookies with their names on them.  She told us she appreciated each item and had enjoyed her day.  The best part? The lavish and tasty dinner we had enjoyed together as a family.  She wanted us to know that she loved being a part of this family and valued her place in it.

I cried as I placed the envelope in my drawer, once again struck with a sense of amazement that a person this cool and this caring could be my daughter. She is truly a reminder of every which way my life could have gone and she forces me to be thankful for every day I've had since her arrival.

It truly was a wonderful Easter in our house. 

Overheard

Erin to her siblings.

"Guys!" she yelled. "I had the best day of the whole March Break today. Sarah's Mom and Dad took us to the movies, to Boston Pizza and to Kid Zone to play! We did everything you could possibly do in the city!"

Kristyn was busy on the computer and none of those things really thrill her (besides, she had been skiing and to two parties) so she feigned excitement and said "Wow. Lucky."

Meghan was instantly insanely jealous and I could hear her stomp out of the room. No doubt in search of John or myself to which she would preach the injustices of her six year old life.

Alex needed more though. Something to go on. Something tangible.

"When you were at Tid's Yone (Kid Zone) ... " he started. "... Did you pway on the slide?"

"Yeah." Erin said.

"Did you go in dat fing with the balls that are bigger dan your head?"

"Yes, Alex. It was awesome."

"Did you pway da games and get da tickets?"

"Yes. We did. I won 220 tickets. Look, I got you this Pokemon sticker!"

"Otay," he continued. "Did you get a snack at da snack counter?"

"Yes, Alex. We did everything!"

"Oh yeah, eh?"  I could practically hear the wheels turning in his head. Kid Zone is his thing. It's that thing we do when the girls are at school. Erin was trying to knock over the one thing he was hanging on to as the lucky little brother.

Then, I heard it. That little sigh of excitement that comes with the epiphany of a five year old boy about to throw it back in his sister's face.

"Did you use da boy's bathroom?" He yelled?

"Ew!" Erin yelled. "No. That's disgusting Alex!"

"Aha. I fought so. I do that."

I think even Erin had to admit that he had her there.